I’m watching the comments over on the Christian Adoption blog to my friend Julia’s post about her daughter sneaking food that she would receive freely if she just asked for it. Many of the commenters are concerned that Julia is failing to recognize a “bigger” problem or that she’s cold-hearted in imagining that her child may be headed for jail if these behaviors continue.
I can see where she’s coming from…and I feel her frustration. LuLu doesn’t steal food. I’m eternally grateful that with all her starvation issues in the orphanage she is not a hoarder or stealer of food. She does currently have some appetite regulation issues; but those appear to be hormone and med-related. Yet, the part I get clearly is the “sneaking” part.
LuLu sneaks other items and does other things she’s been told repeatedly not to do. The odd thing about these behaviors is that if I don’t catch on, she eventually tells me. Not in a bragging way, mind you; she wants to be caught. It’s an interesting push and pull of wanting to “get away” with something and wanting me to stop her. And it is maddening.
The other, similar, behavior is not asking for help. She will get deeper and deeper into a situation before asking for help…on something as simple as unknotting a shoestring. She’s also infamous for coming into the room and announce things like “I’m hungry!” and expect me to respond by offering her food. This behavior is totally appropriate for a toddler. But after nearly a decade in our house of being coached, daily, you’d think she would do as the other children have done and say “May I have______?”
So, I’m totally in touch with Julia’s frustration over the sneaking food issue with her daughter. It isn’t that we don’t realize that these behaviors could be signs of something bigger – yes, they are. It’s just that we’re at a loss for what to do about them. It isn’t about the food, or the items they “borrow” and break, or not asking for help. It’s about how to get them to recognize that these behaviors are dysfunctional and to stop.
I suppose the simple advice would be to address their problems as disorders, because they are. But what happens if the behaviors go on for years, even after they’re addressed in therapy, even after you’ve tried a gazillion parenting interventions? It’s easy to see how you start wondering what will happen to your child in adulthood with these behaviors. And yes, jail seems like a definite possibility…so you steel yourself toward what may be inevitable.
At the crux of the matter are two things: lack of impulse control and lack of trusting the parents. And both of these things are highly frustrating when a child has spent nearly a decade within your family where you are trying to foster trust and a close bond and teach limits and self-discipline. Sneakiness flies in the face of both of these things.
When you’re parenting a child who has a behavior that you can’t stop…regardless of the intervention…it’s a bit like watching a runaway train or the OJ Simpson car chase. You know it will end, eventually and likely it will end badly. And you’re powerless to stop it.