When you adopt an older special needs child things don’t always go as wonderfully as you might have imagined before adopting or fostering. Before adopting or fostering an older child, you may daydream about cooking, playing, and just spending time together. You make hundreds of plans that you cannot wait to fulfill with your new child. Then your traumatized child arrives home. Your child is resistant to bonding because of past hurts and abuse. Your child tries to sabotage the placement rather than risk being rejected again. You find family heirlooms broken, feces painted on walls, and angry stares followed by foul or hurtful words instead of hugs and snuggles. During all of this chaos, the child’s birthday arrives. You may not even feel like buying gifts or having cake because of all of the difficult behaviors you have dealt with. Some parents do not celebrate if they feel the child doesn’t deserve it. Birthdays can be difficult for the traumatized child because they may bring back painful memories. It is probably best to go ahead and celebrate the birthday even though you don’t really feel like it.
After all, you are trying to repair a broken child and begin the healing process. You are trying to replace negative or dysfunctional memories with good memories. You are trying to show the older adopted child what life should and can be like. You can have a significant influence on how your child will treat his or her children someday.
You may not think your child is learning or paying attention. I am sure you imagine that the child cannot possibly be learning anything valuable amid the deceit, drama, and destruction. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. When your child grows up to have a family your values, celebrations, and parenting style could take precedence over anything previously learned. We adopted a daughter at 15 who came home at 13. She is a wonderful mother. We had so much more influence than we could have ever imagined.
Our newest daughter is turning 11. She has been quite naughty lately. However, we will have the usually birthday celebration that we have had for every child who has crossed our threshold for the past 25 years.
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- Did You Ever Think, “My Child’s Special Needs Are Too Much to Handle?”
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- How to Prescribe Behavior to Prevent Child Meltdown.
- =Time Alone? – Living with FAS and ADHD
Photo Credit: 2006 Lane Fuller.